


Season Five

by nostalgia



Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: Acting Techniques, Crack, I Don't Actually Hate Moffat, I'm Sorry, Other, The Importance of Characterisation, Written Before S5 Actually Happened
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-17
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2019-02-16 04:06:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13046139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nostalgia/pseuds/nostalgia
Summary: Very old thing that I wrote before S5 happened but I never put it here, perhaps that was for the best but eh.





	Season Five

"And why is she kissing me?" asked Matt, who cared about trivial things like characterisation and motivations.

"Because you're taking her. Into time and space, I mean."

"Can't she just say 'Thanks, Doctor, you're cool and handsome'?"

"It's what anyone would do," said Steven. "I've thought about it a lot, as you can imagine, and it's what I would do." He blushed. "I mean, if the Doctor was a woman, with tits."

"Riiiiight," said Matt, who had heard the story about Steven trying to hump David's leg when he was in costume and doing the voice.

"So, basically, she's being the everyman. Woman. The everyperson. Who among us wouldn't do the Doctor if only he were real and a woman with tits?"

"I wouldn't," said Karen, who was in the room at the time even though that hasn't been mentioned before.

"Shut up," said Steven, "you're only the companion. What do you know about anything?"

"And then I kiss her back?" asked Matt, still keen to sort this one out.

"Well, I would," said Steven. He looked at Karen. "She's skinny but she's probably a right goer once you get her started." He nudged Matt and said, almost quietly. "Have you had her yet?"

"No!"

"David had them all," Steven said with a wistful and envious expression on his weird Scottish face. "Billie, Freema, Catherine, Lis Sladen, Kylie, whatsherface out of Planet of the Dead. But not Cribbens, obviously. Or any of the other man. Though he did kiss John Simm once." He sighed. "Oh, if only the Master was a woman with tits."

"I'm not David. I don't want to be David."

"Unless the kids ask, in which case you are. Got that?" Steven could be threatening when he had to be and when Russell wasn't around to be more intimidating and a lot taller.

"I think children understand that I'm not-"

"YOU ARE DAVID!"

"Okay, fine, I'm David." Matt pouted. "I want to be my own Doctor. I don't want to live in his shadow. I don't want to shag Karen, no offence, sweetheart."

"I wouldn't do you anyway," said Karen, kindly.

"Someone said I look like the Elephant Man but without the lumps." Matt blinked back a single emo tear.

"Do that again," said Steven. "Yes, yes that's the single emo tear. We'll be using that in at least five episodes this year. Six next year, unless you get sacked before then." He scratched his head. "I wonder if Paterson's still interested?"

Matt sniffed back another single emo tear. "You know when Rose left and the Doctor wouldn't shut up about her and made Martha feel like shit?"

"Yes, stupid plotline. I'd never have done that. He fucks them all, that's the way it should be."

"Well, I feel a bit like Martha. Where you're the Doctor and Rose is a freakish combination of David and Paterson Joseph."

"Now that I'd shag," said Karen.

Steven turned to her with the scowl he normally reserved for Ian Levine. "You go and get ready for your nude scene."

"About that," said Matt, "is nudity really appropriate for our timeslot?"

"Yes."

"Won't we get complaints?"

"Yes."

"I see."

"Glad we sorted that out. Now, do you think episode five is a bit too soon to be fucking Amy over the console as Alex Kingston wanks in a corner?"

"..."

Steven sighed. "I knew I shouldn't have hired a Not-We."


End file.
